Okay so I was going through this weird phase in my life. I was going out with guys that looked like the lead singers in bands that I liked. First it was Kurt, who looked like Phil Anselmo from Pantera, David, who looked like Billy Joe from Green Day and Steve who looked like Mike Ness from Social Distortion. All in all, maybe that wasn't such a good idea considering they were very weird individuals. David by far wasn't an asshole, but he had issues... and I was just a blind girl that overlooked it.

David is someone that keeps reappearing in my life. For what reason, I have no clue, but he does. He's probably one of the sweetest individuals but alas had some mental issues. I can't remember exactly how we met, but he again was someone I kept bumping into. When I moved back from Houston to San Antonio, I remet him at a Halloween party. I was in the bathroom and when I walked out I noticed this boy rubbing blue makeup all over his face. "Who are you supposed to be, the crow?" He asked. I got this all night long, it annoyed me. "No, I'm Munkey from the Adicts." I replied, very annoyed. "I was going to say that too, but I thought since..." "Since what, since I'm a girl, I don't know who Munkey is or that I'm not into the Adicts?" I interrupted, I couldn't believe how I was acting. "No, that since the crown was out, maybe that's who you were trying to be." "Oh, no" I replied, embarrassed. "Who are you supposed to be?" I asked trying to make amends. "I don't know, I think I was trying to do something and then I wounded up with blue all over my face." he said laughing. He made me laugh and then we began to talk, so much, that I forgot that we were talking around the blocks, trick or treating, egg people's cars, throwing toilet paper in people's trees and then we stopped at one house and he hesitated. "What?" I asked. "That's my ex girlfriend, Veronica's house. I don't want to go in." "Then let's stay out here," I responded. I don't know what I was doing, but he was contagious, he was so easy to talk to and I felt very comfortable with him. It was too early for me to tell that I liked him, but I was definitely interested. After that night, I didn't see him again until a couple of months later.

The next time I saw him, we were at the Danzig/Type O Negative/Godflesh show at the Sunken Gardens. I didn't even think I was going to go to the show, but my friend Thomas bought me a ticket at the last minute. I went with my friend Terry, a couple of her friends and met up with David then. Again he was stuck like glue to me. We spent every moment together. First holding hands, then he was holding me from behind and then before you know it, I was making out with him and every chance I got. He didn't care that I flashed myself to Glenn Danzig, he thought it was sexy. He broke his finger that night in the pit, keeping me safe. I was falling.... His mom gave us a ride home and when he dropped us off, we made out again on the side of Terry's house. What the hell was I doing, I thought. I hardly know this guy, but why the hell am I so into him? I didn't see him again for another month.

The next time I saw him, we were at my friends house again. We skipped school and on my way to her house, I picked up David. We walked hand in hand to her house, but kept our attraction a secret, to everyone. I don't know why, but we did. We sat together, got high together and while we laid on the couch watching "Fatal Attraction", we covered ourselved in a blanket and I gave him a hand job, and don't ask me why? But I was okay with it. Me the reserved, celibent teenager with high moral values, forgot all about him, when I was around him. But I still didn't know if I loved him. I was just strangely attracted to him. He took me home, we made out at the bus stop, in the bus and on the way home, we stopped in this woodsy area by my house and he finger fucked me right there. He was the first one I let do that, I always felt uncomfortable about that area, but again, it didn't matter with him. I went home and cried, I didn't understand what was happening or why I let him do that to me. I was afraid of what else I would let him do, so I stopped seeing him all together. Then I went over to Terry's house again, which was not uncommon because I practically lived there. She invited her boyfriend, which she knew I hated and didn't approve of, so what did she do? She invited David as a distraction. It worked. The next thing I knew, I was in her mom's room pulling off his pants. I stopped and saw him and I freaked. It was bent and I had never seen a bent one, ever. It kinda killed the mood and I told him that I really didn't want to, because I was responsible and blah blah blah. But the honest truth was, it was bent and it wasn't because I was picky or anything, I mean I never really was around them all the time to be picky, but I was actually scared. It hurt anyway being young and all, but what would this do to me, on the inside.

We had to take Terry's boyfriend home, which was all the way on the other side of town and so we tagged along. She got into a fight with him and of course we couldn't go anywhere until she was done. So we waited and waited and waited. Then David started to freak out. He was ranting and raving about his dad and how he was going to kick his ass for being late and then he slapped me. Just like that. I don't let any man hit me, so straight punched him to the ground. He looked me in total shock and I, I was pissed. Who the fuck was he for hitting me? Who the fuck did he think he was? Then he got up and began kissing me like crazy, telling me that he was so in love with me that we were like Sid & Nancy and that we'd always be together. At that point I backed off. Hell no, I wasn't going to be someone's Nancy and I remembered how they ended up and fuck that shit! Needless to say that was the last time I agreed to be in the same room as David. He tried tracking me down, he tried getting me back, but I avoided him at all costs.

Until, the day before my (now ex husband) was about to come back and marry me, David showed up at my doorstep. Pleading with me to leave and marry him. He had two bus tickets to San Francisco. He pleaded and pleaded for me to run away with him and that he was sorry. I was scared too. But in hindsight, he probably would have been the safer choice. 1) He didn't want to have kids, neither did I. and 2) I could kick his ass, he wasn't going to do that again.

I saw him again, months after my divorce at a club. Once I told him I was divorced, he brought me to the back room and he made out with me. I see him every now and then, but I usually just say hi and bye.

What I learned from David? Hormones and sexual frustration is not NOT love. It's just hormones and sexual frustration. Vibrators are a quick solution to that. We had some unfinished business in another life, but that was another life, not this one. Not by far.

Often at times I wondered why I haven't thrown in the towel. Everyone I meet annoys me in some way. It's not that I'm superficial, I think my standards are not too low, but they are definitely not high. I don't require much. Don't hit me, yell at me, cheat on me, cause drama, tell me what to do, and please for the love of God, just accept me for who I am and acknowledge my existence from time to time. In turn I promise to grant you that same respect. Unfortunately more times than many I end up with these guys walking in accepting these standards and then slowly but surely changing their minds once they have been believing who they say they are. I don't if it's me making them this way or if I just have one mean streak of bad luck with relationships.

As a preadolescent, the thought of a boyfriend deplored me, I wanted to be a kid. I wanted to play. Then I felt coerced by "friends" of mine to acheive social status by getting a boyfriend. We all remember what school was like. Even if you were a nobody, if you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that made you higher up the food chain than for those who didn't, because bluntly, it meant someone else liked you. I tried playing the game, didn't last at all. So I build up my own status as an individual, I didn't need to have anyone's acceptance or be anyone's girlfriend to know who I was, I was me and that was it.

As a teenager, I loved the thought of having "lovers" not boyfriends, because there were no strings attached. I loved who these men were, but I could only handle them in moderation, basically only for 2 weeks at a time. I think the only reason why I got married so young, was because I knew it was a marriage of convience. He was getting a wife, I was getting a husband that was never there and was going to take care of me. When the rules and regulations started, the abuse and the cheating started, I knew marriage wasn't for me and tried for years to break free.

As an adult, I was actually happy with the men who didn't want committments, less stress for me. But then there were those who managed to sneak in the "relationship-type topics" in the mix and it was over then.

It's not that I shouldn't be a heterosexual, I'm actually bi-sexual, but I know I don't work well with relationships with women either. They are too needy and too jealous, more so than any man I've been with. Plus I really do enjoy the company of men, I love the male body, I love the structure, the strength, the shape of it all. I remember seeing a statue of the Adonis and being totally mesmorized by his body. I loved every chiseled inch of it, the veins popping out, the hip bones exposed, he had no shame, he was free....

I often wonder why I haven't crawled under a rock and just remained alone forever. I don't think it would be so bad as long as I had TV, internet, a vibrator. The mere fact that I must have human contact deters me from resulting into that extreme. The fact that I am a parent and most work hard to provide for them drives me harder and harder into the social arena.

Just keep telling yourself, it's all for the kids....
It's all for the kids....
It's all for the kids.....
It's all for the kids....
It's all for the kids.....

This entry is about a guy I dated briefly after I left my ex husband for the first time. This was sometime in 1999/2000.

It was a very ackward period of my life. I was 20, recently left my husband (at the time), moved into my own apartment, a single mother and it had been about 5 to 6 years since I dated anyone else. I was completely wet behind the ears. At the time, my ex husband required me to go to church and because I was still under 21, I was considered part of their youth congregation. So I would go to church with a bunch of kids and young adults who were single and looking. I made a few friends there and for a couple of hours a week, someone else was watching my son so that I can focus. During that time a lot of Christian Rock was going on, I was in my independant movie maker phase and was actively creating with a couple at that church. Luckily they shared the same vision as me and we weren't just sitting around making "christian movies". Because I networked with a lot of people from the church, I met a few club owners who were letting christian bands play, they taught me how to work the switchboard, que music, do mic checks, etc. I was eager to learn and just went along for the ride. Also many of my new friends had christian bands as well and it was the only place I can hang out with my kid in tow.

One night, this band came into play called Mighty Man, a hardcore style christian rock band, I know how could that possibly be, but there was. Anywho, so there I was cueing music, doing mic checks, making sure that while the band was playing, there wasn't any unnecessary feedback, the music was balanced, etc. Well this particular band would stop in the middle of their set and "preach the word of God" to a bunch a teenagers in the crowd. So I noticed the singer stopping the set, and I change the volume to his mic, when he says, "There's someone who has a heavy burden here, one of the most heaviest burdens that I've ever felt, where's Jinxy (well they said my real name)?" All heads swerved and all eyes were on me. I looked up to see the singer looking at me and says, "Yeah you, I would like to speak with you, if you don't mind." Now at that point I didn't know what to think. My spiritual side said, hmm he has the gift of sight, I wonder what he sees or what he thinks he sees. But then my skeptical side said, someone probably told him I just left my husband,I'm a single mom and had a hard life or something. Whatever. I walked out of the venue.

I stood outside for a moment, my son asleep in his stroller and I just didn't want to deal with my problems and why were all these christians trying to help me, what if I don't need any help? Then Jason sat next to me, holding onto a black binder notebook. "We can talk about it if you want or we can just talk about something else." he said. "What if I don't need help?" I asked. "Oh but you do, even if don't beleive in all of this, you need to talk to someone about the burden. You don't have to pray, you just have to release it." he replied. He was right and because he didn't push me to pray or speak in tongues, I listened. I listened to him try to repair 20 years of fight, struggle and bad relationships through the course of the evening. He didn't know what he was getting into and as I sat and told him things that bothered me, I'd watched his face turn from overconfident and determined to shock and speechless. This was by far the most he's heard. I still don't know if someone told him or if he was told by a divine interferance that he needed to tend to me. But he stayed and he wasn't scared away. He believed that he was there to do God's work and that God gave him this hard task, it was a test of his faith. I didn't feel like talking anymore so I stopped. He then proceeded to tell me about his ex fiance, whom he just broke with as well. They met at church, they planned to get married soon, they even had premarital sex, because after all they were getting married right? Well what he didn't know was that she was doing drugs behind his back and sleeping with the drug dealer as well. He walked in on them once, when he came over to visit her one day. He walked in, with his key and found them on the couch, fucking. He was devasted, he cried for weeks, his mom was his only consolation. He wrote poems and he said he knew he was losing his faith, he said because he couldn't understand why his obeidience was being rewarded with this deceitfulness. I don't know why, but at that moment I was infatuated with him. He was vunerable, sitting next to me on the ground, his curly light brown red hair, his pale skin, he was shorter than me and a year younger than me, I watched his eyes bring back that pain he once felt and it touched me. I guess because I knew then that he wasn't perfect, he wasn't better than me, he was just like me. I told him that God didn't choose who we were supposed to be with, we do, free will. It was her free will to choose to be that way, you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time and that to be lucky that he didn't find that out after they were married. He liked that and he gave me his number to "call him for spiritual guidance." But I knew he was interested too.

I talked to him for a few weeks on the phone, he was such a comfort to talk with someone about your problems and not get any shit about it. Then one day he invited me to come over to his house after my classes and so one day I did. I went over and we looked at more of his poetry and I took a tour of his room. Then we had lunch and I met his mom that day. I admired him even more because he helped out his mom, she was a single mom too and she raised two boys on her own. They lived in a humble home outside of town. We came back to his house briefly and while we were there, his ex fiance just so happened to come by to pick up some stuff she'd been meaning to pick up. She stared at me the entire time I was there, practically waiting for no reason after the grabbed her box. I looked at him and said, "You know I have to pick up Ian, so I'll talk to you later, okay sweetie." I kissed him on the cheek, he walked me to my car. This appealed to him I know, because while he walked me out, he took the box out of the house and while I was driving away, he was yelling at her to leave.

We hung out at shows, dated here and there taking my son to museums, I even surprised him on his birthday with a cupcake and a candle I took him to the zoo (which he'd never been to), took him to lunch, took him to band practice and bought pizza and drinks for them. It didn't bother me to spend the money on him, he spent money on me too. Plus I was falling for him, we had a lot in common and we enjoyed each others company. He got jealous when guys looked in my direction and he play wrestled me every chance he got. He liked it, he enjoyed me and I enjoyed him and then one day things changed.

I don't know if he was getting crap about dating a single mom, whether it was my son (who hadn't been diagnosed with Autism yet), that I wasn't divorced yet or what he heard. See at that point, my movies were making a name for themselves in town, I knew movie organizers, producers and other bands. Then word got out that I was in a band and that I played bass and sang. I found out then, he had to be the center of focus, he didn't like his women to outshine him. Everywhere we went, people knew who I was, they didn't know him. This started to wear on him so much that when he played shows, he'd ignore me and talk to other girls and then talk to me. I ignored it, I'm not a jealous person and I learned a long time ago, if a guy doesn't want to give you the time that you put in, there's always someone else who will. I was pretty hurt by it, I spent my money and my heart liking him and I even brought my son around him and he wasted my time. He was a fake. Then one night we went out with his friend and we stopped at McDonald's to eat. I took my son to play in the playground in the back, he was already annoying me. Then my son, who I didn't know was Autistic at the time, threw a massive fit in the playground, I had no idea what it was about, I later found out it was because his shoes fell out and his socks were getting dirty and that irritated him. At that point, he asked me if my son was retarded. I looked at him about ready to knock his lights out. I stood up over him and said, "First of all, don't ever speak about my son that way! Secondly, even if he was, you're not a doctor so you need to shut the fuck up!" I picked my son up and I left the McDonald's. I left him with his friends and I was his ride, but at that point he could walk all the way home for all I cared. I didn't speak to him for over 2 months, ignoring him at every show he played. He was remorseful, he wore the angel pin I gave him. He sang the poem I said he should make a song into. He passed by me waving, saying hi or trying to say hi to my son. I ignored him and turned my head away. He was dogshit to me. My son was everything I had and I wasn't going to let some stupid asshole stand in the way of that, I didn't care if I was single for the rest of my life. It pissed him off that I wouldn't give him the time of day, so he flirted and flirted with other girls. He had little girl groupies by his side and I laughed because it made no difference to me. At one festival he had a couple of girls he was talking to and all the while he was watching me with guys who were interested in me. One was a singer in a more successful band (ouch), a pro skater, and a rockabilly with a really nice ride who liked to take me dancing. He was not amused and I dismissed him.

One day, he came over to the club with a new girl in tow, a girl who he called his new wife. They got married on a whim and she was probably as ignorant as he was. At that point, I made the mistake of going out with my ex husband on my birthday and getting pregnant. When he walked in with his new wife, I was two almost three months pregnant with my second child. He boasted about his new wife and his new life. Then he did something to cause him to lunge at him, I told him to watch it that he would hurt my baby. He stood there shocked Then he grabbed my arm and pulled me aside in front of his wife, "You're pregnant." he asked "Yup." He stood silent for a while, emotionless, speechless, crushed. He apologized for what he said about my son and said he regretted it because it ruined our friendship. I said I can forgive, but you have to understand that I can never bring my son around that situation. I value him more than I value you, I mean I hardly know you. He replied, "You know me, we hung out all the time, you my.." and then he paused and looked at his wife. He smiled and then touched my belly, he said, "So how's my little worm?" I laughed and said, "Your worm, when did we have sex? Because if I remember correctly, you never wanted to because you were afraid to get struck down by God or something, so unless you have magical sperm that somehow flew and crawled into me, this ain't your kid." After that day, we kinda drifted, it was best for both of us.

He watched my kids though and I thought it was weird, but they didn't have much money and they were expecting a kid soon too. He came to watch me in my new all girl band and I thought was pretty funny. All the while giving me the same look he gave in the beginning and I had no regrets for what happened. Things happened for a reason.

What did I learned from Jason? It takes a strong man to be with a strong woman and he has to check his pride at the door if he wants to be with one. Also next time, don't be so fucking eager to be with someone. Even if he says he's a wholesome Christian.

And Jericho was his name-o!

Funny thing about Jericho is that we had two encounters, both ending on a sour note. But in this case, the dumbass was me for not seeing it coming......

It was a very strange year for me, when I met Jericho. I just got expelled from school for something I didn't do (like getting caught with a lock blade knife at school, that wasn't mine, getting arrested, going to jail, over some stupid boy....he'll come later) Long story short, two "supposed" friends of mine planted a knife in my person and made me take the fall for it so they can't fight over my then boyfriend in peace. So I didn't know who my friends were.

I had one best friend and she was a lesbian, so I knew she wouldn't ever try to steal my boyfriends. Her name was April and she had four brothers, no mother and a father who treated her like a boy. I loved her because she was like me, carefree, a tomboy and just fun to hang out with. Well she had a much older friend named Jericho, who was 5 years older than us, that she liked to hang out with. So he came over one day and watch Jukebox TV. LOL He was so different from anyone I knew, intellegent, funny, mature and he was a total gentleman. I was infatuated. We became instant friends and before you know it, we were talking on the phone all the time. He was already out of school and I was expelled, so sometimes he would come over and take me to lunch or wherever. All the while still remaining a gentleman and not ever making an inappropriate move. I kinda was very reluctant to my attraction to him, he looked like Vanilla Ice and Corey Haim, which I deplored. Then one day I got a letter from him (even though we live in the same city), telling me how much he's fallen from me and how he can't hang out with me anymore because he's afraid of doing something he could get arrested for. He said that I was different from most girls he knew, I wasn't about the hype and I was true. I called him back crying, telling him that I didn't want to lose his friendship and that to come over immediately. He came over, we sat and talked, then made out, then... well there was chemistry, but it stopped because this older man was actually a virgin and so was I. He suggested that we wait. That it be special and for a moment I actually thought it would be.

A scorned ex-lover (I'll give you a hint, he was the one I got expelled for) of mine got word of my older, nicer friend and blabbed to another ex-lover of mine about this secret love affair that I had with him while I was with the other ex lover and that I was alone at home all day. He gave him my address and the next thing I know this guy is at my door. He starts bullshitting me about meeting a friend and wanting to use the phone and that it'll only take a few minutes, tops. I said no, and he convinced by telling me to keep the door open the entire time. As soon as I got back with the cordless phone, he had already locked the door, we argued about this alleged affair and the next thing I know I'm losing my virginity to a rapist. Why am I blogging this? Because this is a part of me, this is a part of who I am and why I am the way I am. What I failed to mentioned is, while this was going on, Jericho called. He was leaving a message on the answering machine, when rapist picked up the phone and told him I was busy with someone and that he'd have to call me back. My heart sunk.

The next day, I gathered up all my courage to call him. He was high and very beligerent. Needless to say he didn't want to talk to me. He bitched me out in front of his friends that were listening on speaker phone and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was raped. At that time, I was still in denial that it happened and I felt strongly that it was my fault for letting him in. I said nothing, I took my punishment and kept my mouth shut. In my eyes, I thought I deserved it.

Months later, I had a party at my house while my mom was out (like she frequently was), April told Jericho that I was having a party. So he came over with two of his friends. I tried not to think about him, drank even heavier, smoked a little harder as he sat there acting like I wasn't there. I even watched him make out with one of my best friends and I drank even harder. I pretended to be interested in his friends, even inviting them both to my room. And as one of them was behind me kissing my neck, the other unzipped my pants and all I could think of was the asshole that put me there and I hit the one unzipping my pants with a bottle and left the room. I got out, depressed, crying telling everyone that the party was over and to leave. I nearly slit my wrists that night.

Not because of him, but because at that point, I lost everything that was innocent about me. I was defiled, rotten inside and now emotionally shut down. I blocked everyone from my life at that point, including him. That was the last time I saw him. I found him a couple of years later, called him up on the phone and he was doing so well. He had a girlfriend, he was talking about how she was the one and I thought, well good, it obviously wasn't meant to be, but luckily he found someone new. I left him alone.

Fast forward nearly 11 years later and I came across him again at a Halloween party of all places. He was divorced with a kid and I was in the process of a divorce with 3 kids. So naturally we dated again, he finally asked what happened to me that day. I told him the truth, that I was raped and that I didn't want to say anything because I knew what he'd do. It was true, he would've searched up and down for the guy and I didn't want him to go to jail for me. He laughed and said he ended up going to jail anyway and at least if he would have gone to jail it would have been for something noble. He went to jail for Possession of Cocaine. A red light went up, but I thought well that was a long time ago, perhaps he's done with that. Evidently, he married the girl he was with after me and they had a son together, but she was a bitch and even cheated on him, so they got a divorce. Little by little that I was re-getting to know him, red flags were going up. Like that he always needed to meet me during our dates, I never saw a car. I could never meet him at work or anything and sometimes I had to meet him in this sleezy ass bar. So I thought he's probably still married or something, or maybe there's something he's not telling me.

At the time I was finishing up my school and we were practicing doing background searches. I already knew all his information, so I put it in, even though were only supposed to do ourselves. I wanted to see if he was still married. He was divorced, then I saw his criminal record. There was the Possession of Cocaine, then there was an Assault Family Violence and FIVE counts of DWI's and his license was suspended. That night I confronted him about it, I wasn't going to be involved in that type of relationship. Turns out that he was a 32 year old still living at his mom's trailer, still did cocaine (in which he called his white girlfriend) and his mom was driving him around and picking him up the entire time. THEN, had the audacity to give me crap for being overweight. I said no, you're totally right because every beautiful model wants to go out with a 32 year old that lives at home, is addicted to cocaine, has a son, and has hit his mom in the past and oh yeah doesn't have a car but has his mommy drive him around..... right...

What I learn from him. People that were in your past should always remain in your past. We're the same as when we were kids and things don't magically remain the same after all those years. Addictions, marriages, criminal charges happen and that alters a person's perception at life. While I went through major events young, he was affected by some later on in his life. Not everyone is going to bounce back wanting to make things right or to do the right thing. So remember ladies, when you throw away trash, make sure you don't go back digging through the can.

He told me to never look him up again, don't worry Jericho, I won't.

Yet another chapter in my life, this one was probably the most recent one and not a very happy one either. Where I find these men? I don't know, but they are out there and they love the shit out of me.

I will call him John

Although that is not his name and well he's not even from America, but after you read my story about him, you'll know why I chose to hide his id. I can't say that I never had a stalker before him, because I had my fair share of psycho obsessed men, but this one was probably pretty psycho from the get go.

I met him as he came into my office and repaired our computers. It turned out that he was the proprietor and owner of that particular company. We exchanged glances and then we exchanged emails and cell numbers. He seemed like a gentleman and he was very charming. He was from Prague, he lived in America for only 2 years, he moved to Riverside California shortly after that because his business was booming. But he vowed to keep pursuing me, because well he was attracted to me. I was surprised. He had this gorgeous accent and was trying to teach me different words in Czech.

So one night while on a late night phone call, we got deep into our pasts. He was a widower and he was 24 years old, a couple of years younger than me. His wife was shot in Prague while she was 7 months pregnant. How tragic, he hadn't dated anyone since. His was a gothic fellow and at times described things that seemed very sadistic at times, but I brushed it off as him just being kinda kinky.

Another night we had another late night talk but this time it was via messenger and I asked to see a picture of his wife. I felt bad for him and I knew he was still trying to deal with it. I opened up the attachment and he sent three pictures of her, they all looked like me. Exactly like me, well if I had really pale skin. But she had the same style of hair, black, same almond shaped hazel eyes. I got chills down my spine. I tried to excuse it, it's just a coincidence I thought. Besides so whaat if I look like his dead wife, he's just dealing with it right? Well then I found out later in the conversation that his grandfather shot her and he is now in a Prague prison serving time for her murder. Nice. I tried to back away from the conversation, I was already getting the creeps, then he wanted to cyber flirt with me, telling me things like that I was so hot, he wanted to make me his chandlier so that every time he enters his house I'd be the first thing he sees. Okay, I thought, this is a new one. I made up some major trial for the next few weeks as a means to let go of this very sick relationship.

Then one night, he calls me, of course I don't answer. He said he had a dream about me and that he would email me what he was dreaming and then I received this email:

Now on to the dream...well here we go...you picked me up from the airport...our energy and attraction was like static electricity while we talked and laughed in the car...i asked you how much further we had to go...you said like 25 minutes...i said i felt car sick and if you could pull over...i got out in the nite air and said i needed something from my suitcase so you opened the trunk...i checked for cars nothing...before you knew it...you were zapped with a stun gun...your legs turn to jelly...you try to emit a scream but it's nothing more than a quiet whimper...your eyes are the only thing working...you see the inside of your trunk...you hear handcuffs clicking...sound of duct tape as your limp legs are bound at the ankles and knees...your hair is pulled back and you try to move your lips and scream as you see me approach your face with a strip of tape...you know it's to cover your mouth...your eyes wild with wonder fear and amazement...your pushed into your trunk as the effects of the stunning wear off you start to struggle but it's no use...you can move your fingers and head...i lean in and kiss your forehead giggling of my accomplishment...i use a flashlight to show you a polaroid picture i took of you right after i stunned you...all you see is your legs and soles of your feet dangling out the trunk of your car...you struggle and scream at me as i close the trunk but the tape holds firm and it's all muffled...your car starts and starts moving...after what seems like forever the car stops...you struggle more hoping if you make enough noise someone might here you...finally the trunk opens and you resume your struggles and your stunned again
the duct tape is removed quickly with a knife and a scarf is used to gag you this time...as you regain movement this time since your legs are free you try and kick at me...and get a lil cut from my knife on your neck...as a warning...i pull you out and put you on your unsteady barefeet in the parking lot of the hotel...i whisper to you...be a good girl and i'll let you go later...i walk your stumbling self through the hotel...nobody can see the scarf gag cus your hair is all over the place blocking their view...someone asks if your ok and you think this might be the chance to escape but you feel the knife in your ribs and think better of it...and i simply reply to the concerned person you drank too much...he laughs and moves away on his own...we get to the room and i shove you in and you fall on the bed...you sit up and watch what i'm doing...i'm setting up a camera...i come over to you and grab a handful of hair and look at where i nicked your neck and lick it...i look into your brown sultry eyes and run my hands through your hair so i can see your beautiful face...and i nibble your lips around the scarf gag...then push you down on the bed...and pull up your skirt...and cut your undies off...i feel your crotch...and get up and go in the bathroom...i come back in the dim light...you feel warm water on your crotch and suddenly a razor...i'm shaving your crotch smooth...and dry it off...i turn on the camera and set up it's light right on your face...as i pull you off the bed and lean you over the arm of the couch...
the camera is inches from your face but you can just see that all that is being recorded is your face...you feel your ass cheeks spread wide and a cool bunch of droplets hit it's smooth firm surface...before you realize that i just lubed your anus i shove myself in your ass...you start to struggle and move your head but i grab your hair and keep your face in the cameras view and i fuck you and fuck you til i'm done...when i'm done i let your head flop forward...your exhausted...you feel me wiping you clean back there...and the handcuffs removed...i sit on the couch near you...hands free but your soo tired hard to move...i take you and pull you up on my lap and slide myself into your slick lil pussy...i hold you up to me facing me and remove the gag...your eyes are tired but glowing...as you ride my lap harder and harder my hands holding your waist on me our eyes never move from each other...you move faster and faster our eyes still locked on each others eyes...finally i feel you coming as am i...we both feel each other building up and still keep our eyes fixed together...forehead to forehead...you put your arms around me...and it happens we cum at the same time...when it's over i kiss your forehead and lay you on the couch...i put your shoes on your lap...you know your free to go now...you see me put a roll of duct tape on the table next to the handcuffs...you watch me and i look back at you and you see my eyes pointing you to the cuffs and tape...i walk outside to smoke on the balcony...after i'm done i come back in the room and the room is dark...i expect you to be on the bed...i come up and i feel your foot...i bend down and find the other and kiss them...your on your stomach...you move slightly...aw i find out you are a good girl...you put the duct tape over your own mouth and handcuffed yourself for me...

I wrote back to him and lied and told him that my boss was transferring me to Matamoros, Mexico and that I could no longer talk to him anymore.

I can't make that shit up if I tried. I have been with some psychos, but he by far topped it. I think he was even crazier than my ex husband. I still have the email and I forgot about it for awhile. I kept it because for weeks after that, he kept calling my phone, sending me emails, messaging my myspace, upset because I wouldn't talk to him anymore. I had a few voicemails where he was crying, screaming and I think cussing me out in Czech. I mean I looked like her and he was going to lose "her" again. I thought I wonder if he was like this when he was with her. Or did the trauma of losing his young wife and child fucked him up inside. I didn't know and I didn't care anymore at that point. I had my life, my children to think about. And I wasn't going to be anyone's fucking chandilier!!!!

What I learned from this "Subtle Libra", NEVER judge a book by it's cover. NEVER GO TO PRAGUE!! Sure there was more courting in this story, but the psycho moments seemed to outweigh the nice little things he did for me. After him I did a background check on everyone that I could. He sounded like he had been planning that email for a while and he threatened to come and find me, which is why I kept the email.

I still am a little shaken up by it. I have seen some crazy shit, been hit, cut, stabbed, beat up, threatened and seen some crazy random acts of violence. But that was the thing, they were random acts of violence, done on a whim. What this guy wanted to do was torture, I don't think I could have been strong enough to survive that. So why am I writing about it? I can kinda laugh about the situation that might have been because I dodged a bullet from what could have been a serial killer for all I know. But it serves a reminder for what I am lucky to have in my life right now.

P.S. Hostel came out a year later after that ordeal, needless to say I was at the edge of seat totally scared of what could have happened to me. I still fear it.